Refining

Just for starters, this is Aaron writing. 2 things I heard before we started our adoption process were that it was a humbling thing and that you are not in control of any of it. Well, maybe I am a veteran now, because I can attest to both of those.

One reason it is humbling is because I am seeing character flaws in myself through this process. So many things happen that we are absolutely not in control of. In fact, when something happens that we can control, we ought to note it because it is rare. It just doesn’t go down that way. We are basically at the mercy of an agency, our government, their goverment, and a few other random people along the way.

When these uncontrollable things happen, they are usually not pleasant. I wouldn’t say they are terrible, just difficult, frustrating, or inconvenient. One of my most common reactions is to get defensive and feel like I need to protect us. I question things and feel taken advantage of. I want things to be explained to me, and I want reasons for things, assuming that there cannot possibly be a good one. I generally feel like it is us against a world of people who don’t care about us and want to trick us.

I am seeing my selfishness. I am quick to speak, very quick to get angry, and defensive. I see that I am an impatient person. I am arrogant and don’t like people telling me what to do. I get upset at small inconveniences when things don’t go my way, like a child. How can a man who acts like a child be given a child of his own?

I feel like God is using things right now to refine my character, and I feel like he is exposing weaknesses and flaws. I don’t really see that much refining yet, I guess. I am still being exposed. We haven’t really gotten past all that yet. But I see a little refining. It’s hard. It doesn’t feel good. It is not easy. It is embarassing. It is humbling. I hear people talk about wanting to be humble, and I want it, but being humbled isn’t fun. It hurts a little, and it’s embarassing.

But maybe God is making me into the man he wants me to be. Maybe he is making me into the dad he wants me to be. Maybe God knows what he is doing in all of this stuff. Maybe God has been at work here before I realized it. Maybe he actually does the things he says he will do, and maybe he has things figured out better than I do.

Being refined isn’t fun, and it isn’t easy. But it’s sort of like lifting weights. It hurts, but you have this soreness afterwards that kind of feels good because you know what is coming from it. You don’t mind it so much. You actually kind of like it.